Genteel Steel

Sometimes in the course of a game, things go horribly wrong. Maybe the dice stop liking the players, maybe the monsters get lucky, maybe someone just does something stupid at a critical moment. How does the GM deal with it?

Do the players trust the GM less if they fudge die rolls? Is it okay to kill off someone the PC(s) like instead of the PC(s) themselves?

More than that, what about if a character does die? How do you control the PCs’ use of resurrection, wish, and miracle spells? (Such things will be discussed in particular in a later post, I promise.) What cost should you have the party–or the character–pay for being brought back? Other than the 15,000 gp worth of diamonds, that is. How does this affect the character?

This is just a list with thoughts. It’s only alphabetical because I went through what I think is the third edition Monster’s Manual.

Bulette. What is the point of a creature described as a “cross between an armadillo and a snapping turtle”?

Delver. Why does D&D like to cross things not meant to be crossed? Including giant slugs and sea turtles–making creatures that eat rock and burrow through solid stone with a corrosive slime they secrete from their skin.

Digester. Who in their right mind creates a creature with a sucking mouth and an orifice in its forehead that squirts stomach acid? And it’s supposed to be some kind of dinosaur. Why are there even dinosaurs in D&D?

Dire Ape & Dire Badger. Okay, one can make a case for dire wolves and bears and all that. But how do you justive either an ape resembling a large gorrilla with long, ivory claws and razor-sharp teeth standing about 8 feet tall and weighting from 600 to 1000 lbs. Or a badger that’s from 5 to 7 feet long and weighs up to 500 pounds? Besides, “Beware the Dire Badger!” just doesn’t sound the same.

Displacer Beast. Okay, I will admit, this thing is pretty cool in 4th edition. But what’s up with the tentacles? Do they really belong on something furry?

Ettercap. Freaky yes, kind of neat…maybe. But is anyone else noticing a disproportionate number of spider monsters in D&D? And it resembles a cross between a gangly human and a bloated spider. Was there alcohol involved in the creation of this creature?

Girallon. You already have a dire ape. Do you really need a giant albino gorrilla with four arms and two back legs?

Krenshar. Wouldn’t there be some serious problems with a creature who pulls the skin back from its head revealing the muscles and bony structure? I’m pretty sure that skin is there for a reason.

Mimic. This is just cruel. The thing can disguise itself as any object, and then kill the players. I mean, really.

Ooze. Why do you have a monster based on jello?

Owlbear. Bears can be scary. Owls, not so much. Why in heaven’s name was this combined? Tremble before the might of the owlbear! Yeah, we’re all really shaking in our boots, birdbrain.

Porpoise. When did dolphins become monsters?

Rast. It’s like a cross between a spider and a dinosaur with a mouth that occupies almost its entire head. Except it has way too many legs. Obviously, the way it can catch people is by sending them into a state of utter confusion as they try and figure out how the hell it moves.

Roper. Look, a stalagmite with a gaping maw that could bite me in half and long sticky strands! Another mimic to kill players!

Sea Lion. Why is this even a monster?

Shambling Mound. A carnivorous heap of rotting vegetables. Would someone like to explain to me how that works?

Shocker Lizard. Weird, yes, but it’s so cute! And can kill you with electricity, but hey. I wish I could put the picture in here.

Tarrasque. Gozilla comes to mind. It begins to resemble the terror of Tokyo more and more with every edition.

Tendriculos. Now there’s a plant with tentacles. When will it end?

Toad. It’s not even a dire toad. And yet, it’s in the Monster Manual. Maybe if you lick it?

Vargouille. Not only is this a flying head, but guess how it creates more! It kisses a victim, and they are subjected to the indignity of going bald and having their head carried off by their ears. Not to mention the fact that they sprout tentacles on their scalp and chin. (Look, his goatee is moving!)

Weasel. Maybe if you really try, you could get one to attack you. Dangerous to first level characters in the earlier editions.

Whale. Do they normally eat people?

When is it fair to kill PCs? Does it show a lack of creativity on the GM’s part? Is it acceptable for a GM to kill a character because they’re absolutely sick of the player? Are rules lawyers acceptable targets?

Also, is it cruel to put characters into a situation the GM believes they can’t get out of or pit them against villains they’re positive the party can’t kill?

And what about those monsters that are apparently designed to destroy characters?

Should players be allowed to run evil characters? Does this make life difficult for the GM? Could it make the player themself evil? Can they actually play evil well?